Remus the Girl
by taketothesky
Summary: Remus Lupin goes away for a couple of days each month, but he doesn't tell his friends where he goes. Considering all of Remus' symptoms, Sirius can come to only one conclusion. Remus Lupin is a girl.


**Remus the Girl**

James stepped into his dorm and took a look around. It was empty except for his friend Sirius, or what looked like Sirius. But wait, that couldn't be Sirius Black, James thought to himself. That boy is holding a book. Not just any book, a school book. . .a potions book.

"What in the name of Merlin are you doing, Sirius?" James yelled as he ran across the room. He knocked the book out of Sirius' hand as though it might contaminate him.

"Homework," he replied sadly. He looked his hands over to be sure James removed the book before it did any real damage.

"Sirius? Are you okay? Do you want me to go and get Madame Pomfrey?" James asked him. Sirius Black never did his homework. Well, he did do his homework, but he had a different method. His routine consisted of sleeping on top of his books in the library, praying that through osmosis, he would wake up with enough information to pass his exams. If that didn't work, you could usually find him sitting on the floor finishing his work before class.

Somehow he managed to keep his grades up. It was utterly amazing.

"No, I'm fine. I had to finish that essay. Remus isn't here to help me." That explained a lot to James. Remus saved them both from having to do any real work.

"Where is Remus? And Peter?"

"Peter has detention with McGonagall. She found some questionable items in his bag that day he accidentally transfigured it," Sirius said with a satisfied smile.

"You have got to stop doing that. Pete isn't that bad. Sure he nearly got us caught last week, but still."

"I don't like him," Sirius said sharply.

"Fine. So where is Remus? Library?"

"I checked the library and I didn't see him. I don't know where he is."

"You think its time to get out the calendar?" James asked.

"I think so."

James went over to his trunk and shifted his things aside. He pulled out a large piece of parchment. James stretched it out on the end of his bed. Sirius walked over to the calendar and marked November fifteenth with a question mark. There were similar question marks in each month. Remus had a habit of disappearing for a day or two every month. Whenever James and Sirius questioned Remus about it, he explained about a sick relative. James and Sirius didn't believe him so they decided to mark the days he was gone on a calendar, hoping to find a pattern.

"It just doesn't make any sense, Sirius. The only thing we know is that Remus disappears without so much as a 'see you later' once every month," James said as he sat down on his bed.

"And he always comes back complaining about a terrible headache," Sirius added, joining James on the bed.

"Doesn't want to do anything for a few days after. . ."

"And he always eats a lot of chocolate, says it makes him feel better."

James and Sirius sat pondering the symptoms of their friend's strange disappearances. They tossed around several ideas, each more unlikely than the next.

"Maybe he's taking extra lessons," James mused.

"I think he would tell of if he was," Sirius said as he flopped backwards on the bed.

"I don't think he would. You tease him enough as it is. You'd never let him live it down if he were taking extra lessons."

"You know what, I think you're right. I know! Maybe he's in some kind of secret society, and they meet once a month!" Sirius proclaimed, sitting up on the bed.

"What kind of secret society?" James asked.

"I don't know," Sirius said in a defeated tone, realizing this was not very likely.

"Sirius, maybe he's a _werewolf_."

For a moment James and Sirius sat staring at each other on the bed. Then Sirius exploded with laughter, closely followed by James.

"Good one, James. . .werewolf," he choked out.

"Yeah, what was I thinking? Dumbledore would never let a werewolf come to school here. It's not safe."

At that very moment James and Sirius' other dorm mate, Peter, burst through the door panting heavily. He had scratch marks down his face and the sleeves of his robes were torn. Pounding footsteps and screams were following him.

"James. . .Sirius. . .help!" Peter yelled as he looked around frantically, trying to decide which piece of furniture would hide him best.

"Peter, what the. . .?" Sirius asked looking very alarmed.

"Evans. . .Lily Evans, sh-she's after my blood."

"What did you do to her?" James questioned him severely. Peter didn't have a chance to answer. They all doubted that he could have with his face in the carpet like that. Lily Evans ran through the door, pushed Peter down and kicked him repeatedly in the side.

"Don't you _ever_ insult me again, Pettigrew!" she screeched before she turned and stomped back down the stairs.

"You care to explain that, Peter?" Sirius asked, helping his fallen friend to his feet. Sirius didn't like Peter, but he understood the situation. Everyone in the dorm had been subject to the wild mood swings associated with Lily Evans: The Mad Muggle-born.

"Well," Peter began, "I got done with my detention and I came back to the common room. I figured you guys were out practicing q-quidditch so I stayed in there and started on that Transfiguration homework. Lily and her friends were sitting in there ch-chatting it up about dress robes. She was trying to pick out a color. She wanted to get the yellow ones. I-I told h-her that my mum says girls with r-red hair shouldn't wear yellow."

"Peter, what were you thinking?" James asked him looking on in disbelief.

"I d-don't know, but somehow out of that she got that I called her ugly. She attacked me. I just barely got away." James walked back over to the calendar.

"Peter, you should have known better." Sirius said, looking at the calendar over James' shoulder.

"Yeah," James agreed, "It's _that week_."

"What week?" Peter asked.

"How thick are you?" James asked. "Don't you remember the film. . .you know, _the film_?"

"Oh. . ." Peter suddenly understood. All the boys in third year were ushered into a room. There was an uncomfortable silence as the clicking of the magic film began. At the end of the film they were all staring wide-eyed at Professor McGonagall, wondering what they had just seen. And thanking Merlin that they were guys.

"James, James, what, oh no. . .I just realized something." Sirius was saying with a look of terror on his face.

"What is it Sirius?"

"James, what if Remus is a. . ._girl_?"

Sirius said this with such "seriousness" that James almost considered it for a moment. Then he realized that it was quite possibly the funniest thing he had ever heard.

"You can't be serious? Remus? A girl?" James laughed.

"It makes sense," Sirius was saying with passion. James knew Sirius really meant this, for he had resisted the temptation of his favorite joke -- of course he's Sirius. "James, look at the facts. Once a month Remus sneaks out of the tower and disappears. He comes back tired and complaining about headaches."

"Yeah, well, maybe its that secret society that's wearing him out?"

"What are you guys talking about?" Peter asked.

"Well Peter, Sirius and I were trying to figure out where Remus goes to every month without telling us. This stupid git seems to think we are sharing our dorm with a girl."

"I'm telling you, James. Maybe it's some strange thing Dumbledore cooked up. All the signs point to Remus being a girl. I mean, even his chocolate habit! You know how Lily gets if you try to dip into her Chocolate Frog stash. It was a good prank before she grew out her nails."

"Sirius, I don't think Remus is a girl," Peter said.

"Yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but, I think I agree with Peter. No offense, Pete."

"None taken."

"Is there any other reason for his leaving?" Sirius yelled, throwing his arms in the air.

"I thought he said he was going to visit a sick relative or something," Peter said, nursing the scratch marks on his face.

"I'm telling you he's a girl."

"I'm telling you he's not. You have no proof," James said.

"Well, is there any proof that he's a boy?"

"He sleeps in the boys dorms. . ." James tried to reason.

"That's not really proof. . .I mean, have you seen. . ._it_? Do you know?"

"Have I seen what?"

"You know, _the proof_?"

"Ugh, Sirius, what are you talking -- of course I haven't. That's insane."

"Peter doesn't think it so insane, do you, Pete?" Sirius turned to Peter with a wild grin on his face. Apparently embarrassing Peter was more important than proving Remus a female.

"Sirius, what are you talking about?" a confused James asked.

"Sirius, you swore you wouldn't tell," Peter was pleading.

"What are you two going on about?"

"Let's just say Peter has proof that you're a guy, James."

"Peter? Eww, what do you do? Spy on me in the shower?"

"No James, it's nothing like that. Sirius, you swore you wouldn't tell him."

"Tell me what?" James demanded.

"I found Peter watching you in the shower one morning," Sirius said through his laughter. James didn't know what to think. He was quite disgusted that Peter was watching him in the shower (and at the same time a little flattered), but he was glad that Sirius seemed to have forgotten Remus the girl for a moment.

"It was an accident, I swear. I went down to take my shower and I didn't know you were in there, James."

"It's okay, Peter. . .I think."

"Anyway," Sirius said, suddenly regaining his train of thought, "No one has seen Remus in the shower, have they? _Peter_?"

"I don't go around sneaking into showers, Sirius," Peter said.

"So for all we know, Remus could be a girl."

"Sirius, I think you've finally gone over the edge. This is crazy. Remus is not a girl." Sirius crossed his arms and frowned. He seemed to be looking around the room for evidence to prove his point. Suddenly his eyes widened and James began to worry.

"Let's check his trunk."

"What? No, Sirius, you can't go through his things."

"Of course I can," he said as he ran past James towards Remus' trunk. James knew better than to try to stop him. They might as well go ahead with it when they were sure Remus couldn't walk in.

The three boys walked over to their friend's trunk and opened it.

"Why are we doing this?" James questioned.

"Because, if he is a girl then there are, you know, girly things in his trunk. Be careful Peter or he's going to know we've been in his stuff."

"What kind of 'girly things'?"

"Well, if my reasoning is correct then he is going to need, er, _certain things_, right? You never know, maybe we'll find -- "

"Underwear?" Peter interrupted. James and Sirius looked up from the piles of robes and books to see Peter holding up a pair of pink lacy panties. Then Peter turned to look at the panties, realized exactly what he was holding and dropped them like they were on fire. The three boys circled around the underwear and looked down at them with a variety of shocked expressions.

"I told you," Sirius said. "I told you, I _told_ you."

"I'm sure there is a good explanation for this," James said.

"Oh yeah, a brilliant explanation. . .Madam Malkin ran out of boxers?"

"Maybe they're his sister's or mum's or something and he packed them by mistake," James tried to reason with Sirius again.

"They look too small for Remus," Peter said. James and Sirius replied with grins and raised eyebrows. "What, those would never fit Remus. Stop looking at me like that."

"Is this enough proof for you, James?"

"No, Sirius, it isn't. Remus Lupin is not a girl. A pair of underwear is not going to convince me."

"He probably has other things, he's just put a concealment charm on them. For all you know those gobstones Peter's holding could be. . ._you know_. . ."

"No, I don't know."

"_Tampons_," he whispered. Peter let out a yell and dropped the gobstones to the floor.

"Those are nothing but gobstones, look. _Finite Incantatem_. Nothing, nothing but gobstones and an over active imagination."

"I'm telling you. . ."

"Just drop it. Let's go down to dinner."

After trying their best to put Remus' things back in his trunk neatly and failing miserably at this, the three of them walked down to the Great Hall. They were having a nice chat about bludgers when Sirius stopped in his tracks, again looking terrified.

"What is it now, Sirius?"

"Remus. . .he's coming into the castle." Sure enough he was. Remus Lupin was walking through the entrance hall towards them. He smiled weakly at them. He looked very tired.

"I'm starved," he said as he approached them, "let's get something to eat." James, Peter and Remus walked towards the doors to the Great Hall. Sirius however, was still staring at the spot where Remus had walked up to them and appeared to have stopped breathing.

"Sirius, come on." Sirius shook his head a bit, trying to get oxygen back to his brain, and followed them into the hall. James and Peter went down one side of the table and Remus and Sirius went to sit opposite them.

"Wait. . .here," Sirius stopped Remus from sitting down and pulled the bench out for him.

"Er, thanks, Sirius."

"You're welcome." They sat down to enjoy dinner and what promised to be some very interesting conversation.

"So Remus, we missed you today. Were you in the library?" James asked.

"No, I. . .I was. . .just, just walking around on the grounds. We really do take the scenery for granted."

"Yes, it's lovely. Sirius and I were just talking about Gryffindor's chances at the cup."

"You guys are always talking about Gryffindor's chances at the cup. Always on about _bloody_ quidditch," Remus said. Peter snorted loudly into his pumpkin juice. "You okay, Peter?"

"Fine. Fine, I just g-got choked." Remus nodded but had a suspicious look all the same.

"Why so quiet, Sirius?" he asked.

"Pardon?" Sirius asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"'Pardon?' I asked you why you were so quiet...but why so polite? 'Pardon?'" Remus went back to his dinner and Sirius sat in an odd silence.

"Remus, did you know Mad Evans attacked Peter today?" James asked.

"That explains the scratches," Remus said surveying Peter. "You know how mad Evans can get, especially around this time."

The three other boys turned to look at Remus with a variety of terrified expressions.

"What?" he asked, slightly put off.

"What d-do you mean around this t-time?" Peter stammered.

"Don't you know?" he asked them. "It's hard on all of us."

"All of us what?" James asked. Sirius' theory was looking more and more possible.

"Students," Remus said uncertainly. "McGonagall's pre-Christmas exams are coming up. You can't have forgotten?" James and Peter sighed in relief.

"Oh, _that time_, of course we haven't forgotten." James said.

"What did you guys think I was talking about?"

"Nothing," croaked Sirius.

The rest of the dinner passed uneventfully. They discussed upcoming exams and new idea Remus had for pranking the Slytherins. There was a moment when Remus dropped his fork to the floor.

"I'll get it for you," Sirius said.

"No, I'll get it myself." Remus told him.

"No, _I'm_ going to get."

"Really, Sirius. I can get it _myself_."

"_No_," Sirius told him. They both reached for the fork at the same time and hit their heads together. Remus looked Sirius in the face.

"I told you I'd get it," Remus said with a smile.

"Sorry," Sirius muttered rather quickly, his face turning red. He went back to his meal and didn't look up again until it was time to go back up to the dorm.

Sirius jumped straight into bed without changing into his pajamas or telling anyone good night. James and Peter slept very easily that night, but Remus and Sirius did not. It seemed to Remus that he had done something horrible to upset Sirius. Worse, what if he had discovered his secret? Is that why Sirius was being so distant and so quiet? Did he know something?

Sirius sat up thinking about other things. He did know something; at least he thought he knew something. He thought about how his friend might be a girl. And if that wasn't scary enough, he started to think about his friend would probably make a really hot girl. . .and what was with the lace underwear? Did he wear them? Was he wearing some _right now_?

The next day was Saturday, and a good thing. James left Remus, Sirius and Peter to sleep while he went and had breakfast in the Great Hall. It was noon when the three of them finally woke up. The sun was pouring through the windows and into the cracks in the bed hangings. Remus woke feeling much better than he did the day before. He pulled open his curtains to see Sirius quietly going through his trunk looking for clothes. He pulled back his curtains and put his feet on the carpet.

"Morning, Sirius," he said brightly. Sirius made a squeaking noise and grabbed a clean set of robes. He muttered something about having to take a shower and ran out of the room. Remus heard something stirring in the general direction of Peter's bed. "Peter, you up?" he asked him.

"Mmm," came Peter's reply.

"What's up with Sirius?" he asked, not sure if he was going to get an answer. Peter sounded very much asleep. He stood up to find some clean things in his trunk. He was having a hard time locating them; nothing was where he had left it.

"Remus? That you?" Peter grunted.

"Yes, Peter, and I asked you what was up with Sirius."

"Oh, that's nothing. He just thinks your a girl, that's all."

A number of thoughts and emotions entered Remus' brain a very high speed. In fact, they came so fast and so many that he had to sit down. Was Peter dreaming? Yes, he must be dreaming. Why on earth would Sirius think he was a girl? That was laughable. So laughable that Remus did laugh, rather nervously. Sirius had been acting strange. Is that really why? Maybe Peter got it mostly right and he meant to say something else and not "girl." That might be it, Peter could be dreaming of Mrs. Norris again, and said "girl" by mistake. He pondered for a moment which was worse. Everyone thinking he was a girl, or finding out his secret? There was only one way to find out exactly what was going on. He had to track down James.

Remus ran down the steps leading to the boys' dorm to find James. On a normal day Remus would have showered and dressed before he dare go down those steps, but this was important. So important that he didn't even stop to look in the mirror. His dirty blonde hair was stuck up at many odd angles. His head some what resembled a haystack. His pajama shirt was crooked, and the observant would notice that it wasn't even buttoned properly. The top hole had no button and the bottom button had no hole. He reached the bottom of the stairs and looked around frantically. The room was full of people. There were first years sitting around the fire, a few older students playing chess. A group of girls from third year were sitting near the staircase. Remus recognized one of them as Lily Evans. James was nowhere to be found.

"Lily," Remus said as he approached the girls. They looked at him with a variety of disgusted expressions. Remus would be the first one to admit he wasn't a morning person. He suddenly realized that in his haste to get downstairs he had forgotten this.

"What do you want?" Lily asked him as one of her friends pointed and laughed at his hair.

"Have you seen James? James Potter?"

"I haven't seen him since breakfast. I thought none of you ever went anywhere without at least one other flanked on his side. He's probably showing off for first years or something, arrogant jerk."

Remus wanted to defend James. He was a little full of himself, but Sirius was the only with rights to call him an arrogant jerk. He had other things on his mind at the moment and didn't really feel like arguing with Mad Evans. He turned around quickly and headed for the portrait hole. There was a lot of giggling and pointing and Remus was positive that he was causing some of it. Okay, _most_ of it. He pushed the portrait hole open, his eyes scanning down the corridor when he ran into something very solid.

"Ouch. . .Remus? Who did you hair, mate?"

"James, I have to talk to you. Peter said something in his sleep and -- "

"Oh no, I don't need any help getting up, I'm just _fine_," James interrupted.

"Yeah, but that's not the point," Remus said quickly as James lifted himself from the floor.

"Peter said. . .he said something. I'm not sure if he was awake or not. . ."

"Well what did he say?" James asked, straightening his robes.

"He said that Sirius thinks I'm a. . .a. . .a _girl_."

James stopped messing with his robes and looked up at Remus. He didn't know what to tell him. He couldn't lie to him, which was something a Slytherin would do. He decided it was best to tell him the truth. Then James could prove to Sirius that Remus was not a girl.

"Yeah," James said nervously. He watched Remus' face contort with anger and listened to the Fat Lady portrait laughing. He gave her the password and she opened and let them in, still laughing.

"I AM GOING TO _KILL_ HIM!" Remus yelled. He alarmed several second years sitting by the door. A fourth year in the corner knocked a bottle of ink on to the carpet. When she tried to clean it up, she barely got the spell out and set the floor on fire instead. James walked swiftly through the room with a fuming Remus behind him muttering. "_That stupid. . .me a girl. . .I am going to. . .you wait 'til I. . ._" James turned around as they were approaching the boys' staircase.

"Remus, _calm down_."

"Calm down? Calm down? Who else has he told?"

"It's nothing Remus, just me and Peter."

"He really thinks I'm a girl?" Remus asked. A girl behind James started laughing hysterically. He turned to see who was listening. It was Lily Evans. James tried his best to look cool and angry at the same time.

"What do you want, Evans?" he asked her.

"Oh nothing," she said smiling as she walked away. She went back to her table of friends and a loud burst of laughter rang through the room. Sirius Black could not have picked a worse time to walk down the stairs. He spotted Remus and that familiar look of terror was on his face again.

"Gotta go," he said quickly. Remus caught his arm and pulled him back. Under normal circumstances Remus would never have grabbed Sirius. Sirius was much stronger and slightly taller. He was intimidating to most that came across his path. Except for the girls, they fainted when they got too close to him. Remus seemed to realize this and dropped Sirius' arm, wondering which he was going to swing with. When neither arm moved, Remus thought, in spite of himself, _Sirius would never hit a girl_. . .

"Maybe we should go up to the dorm. . ." James suggested. Sirius, looking terrified, followed James. Remus walked up behind them, muttering to himself some more. They walked into the dorm and Remus slammed the door behind them. Peter woke with a start.

"Mmmrs. Norris," he said as he lifted himself from the pillows. He looked around at his friends feeling slightly embarrassed. Then he realized there was an unusual amount to tension in the room. "What's up?" he asked.

"Well Peter," James began. "It seems that you told Remus about Sirius' theory in your sleep." Sirius looked for a moment like he was going to attack Peter, then he caught Remus' eye and looked guiltily at the floor. "I think you owe Remus an explanation, Sirius."

"Not to mention an apology. . ." Remus added.

Sirius glanced around the room. He looked at the window; they were too high up for him to jump. He looked at the door, but Remus was still standing in front of it. He looked over to Peter, but Peter looked away, he didn't want to get involved. His last hope was James, but he was looking sternly at Sirius, there was no way out.

"I'm sorry, Remus. It was the only thing I could come up with. It's. . .it's just that you leave every month and don't tell us where you go. I. . .I thought for a moment, that maybe you were a girl and that -- that you had to go do, you know, girl stuff."

Remus' face switched from anger to relief, then to fear. He had to tell them. He was surprised they hadn't figured it out themselves.

"I'm not a girl. I don't know why you would ever think that," he said looking at the floor.

"I said I was sorry. It's just that your symptoms, well. . .they were a lot like. . .Mad Evans'. . .I was crazy to think that." They stood in a awkward silence, then James spoke up.

"So Remus, you want to tell us where you do go?" There was no use in lying to them again. The sick relative story was getting old.

"I go to the Shrieking Shack," he said, not meeting anyone's eyes.

"Remus?" Peter said. "Why would you ever go there?"

"Because I. . .I'm. . .I'm a werewolf. I go there every month when I transform so that I can't bite anyone."

There was a collective gasp. Peter nearly sucked his bed hangings down his throat before he fell out of his bed.

"Why didn't you tell us?" James asked.

"Oh yeah, I can see that. 'Hi, I'm Remus. I'm a werewolf. Can I sleep in the bed next to yours?'"

"It's okay, Remus," James said.

"Oh, I'm sure it is. You probably want me out of here ten minutes ago. I guess I'll pack my things."

"No," Sirius spoke. "You aren't going anywhere."

"Why not?"

"I want to know where those panties came from," Sirius said with a huge grin across his face. Remus was quite confused. He expected his friends to be angry and scared, and he had no idea what Sirius was talking about. . .panties?

"What panties?" he asked Sirius.

"The pink ones in your trunk."

"You went through my things?" Remus asked, sounding shocked.

"Er, yeah. . .Sirius was looking for evidence," James said quietly.

"What about the underwear?" Sirius asked again. Remus had to think for a minute. Why did he have women's panties in his trunk?. . .Then it came to him.

"Halloween," he said. When everyone in the room failed to understand this very obvious statement, Remus continued to explain. "Don't you remember on Halloween? We finally figured out how to get up the girls' stairs when they turned into a slide? We went up and went through their stuff while they were at the feast. Well, you all did. And before we left one of you threw me a pair of underwear. They aren't mine. . .I believe they belong to Lily Evans."

"I remember that night," Sirius said, pulling up his sleeve, "I've still got the scars."

"They're Lily's?" James asked. "Why did you keep them? You could have given them to m-- back, you could have given them back to. . .er, Mad Evans."

"I don't know, I just threw them in my trunk and forgot about them. . .but if you want them. . .you know, so you can return them. . ."

"Yeah!. . .er, sure, I mean, I might as well," James said, turning slightly, alarmingly red.

"You can have them. I suppose I'll be leaving. Dumbledore made me swear not to tell anybody."

"Dumbledore knows?" Peter asked.

"Of course he knows, Peter," Sirius said, then he turned to Remus. "But he doesn't have to know that all of us know." Remus was surprised and a little worried, as was everyone else in the room. Sirius had that look in his eye.

"What are you talking about?" Remus asked him.

"Well, you haven't bitten any of us thus far, have you? Dumbledore knows so it must be safe. We'll keep your secret, Remus."

"Yeah," James was agreeing. "We know you're a good guy. You'd never intentionally hurt any of us."

"It's settled then, right Peter?" Sirius asked.

"Of course, Remus. I won't tell anyone."

It was agreed upon that the four of them would be best friends and that Remus' secret identity as a werewolf would never be told to anyone outside the circle. More immediately it was decided upon that Remus would take a shower and that they would all go down to lunch. And so Remus showered, and he would have shaved, but he was only thirteen and it was rather unnecessary.

The four of them walked down the stairs to the common room talking and laughing. Soon they realized that they weren't the only ones laughing. As they stepped into the common room the laughter died and people stared at them. Soon the laughter started again. They glanced around the room trying to find the joke. James was quick on the up take and realized that _they_ were the joke. His whole universe turned upside down and everything in the world was wrong. He, Sirius, Remus and Peter were never the joke. Well, Peter was the joke sometimes, but that was to be expected.

James quickly scanned the room trying to figure out exactly how the kings of third year had their own medicine turned upon them. And there she was. Lily Evans. Laughing with the most passion, in the corner, trying not to be too obvious. Its what they did whenever they pranked the Slytherins.

"Evans!" he yelled. She stopped laughing and tried to look innocent. He and the other three boys walked across the room. Trying to remain calm, he spoke. "What did you do?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she answered. He carefully surveyed her, trying to fix his face to show suspicion instead of delight. It was hard to look that closely at Lily Evans without smiling. He decided not to pursue it any farther and to plot revenge instead. So they walked out of the portrait hole. They were a few steps down the corridor when they heard Lily climbing through the portrait hole behind them.

"Wait!" she called after them.

"What do you want?" James asked impatiently.

"I just thought you should know. . .that is if you want to get back in, what the new password is," she smiled at them.

"Well?" James asked. She leaned close and motioned for them to lean towards her. They exchanged uncertain glances and did as she asked.

"The new password is," she whispered, "_Remus is a girl_." She turned to go back into the common room laughing happily to herself. James, Sirius and Peter lifted out of the huddle. Remus, however, kept his head down and stared at the floor.

"It's okay, Remus, we'll get her back," Sirius said, clapping him on the shoulder.

"It's better than the truth, I suppose," he said.

"Let's go get some lunch," James suggested. They walked down to the Great Hall quietly until they were just outside of the doors.

"James, you can't have those underwear."

"Why?" James asked.

"Because I'm going to sneak back into her dorm and strangle her with them." James was just about to answer when a voice cut across the conversation.

"Now, now, now," said the slick, greasy voice, "that's not very _lady_-like, now is it _Miss_ Lupin?" The voice was attached to an equally slick and greasy, not to mention ugly and evil, person. It was Severus Snape.

"Shut up, Snivellus," Sirius said.

"Oh, sticking up for your _girl_friend are you? I always thought you all were abnormally 'close.'"

"I'm warning you, Snivellus," Sirius said, anger spreading across his face. His hand went into his pocket and wrapped around his wand.

"What are you going to do, Black? Curse me?" Before Snape could get done sneering at them, and before James could restrain Sirius, he did indeed curse Snape.

"_Tarantallegra_," Sirius shouted. Snape's legs became twitchy, and then he began doing some sort of jig. Try as he might he couldn't stand still. Sirius was just about to laugh at his excellent jinx, but another voice erupted to his right.

"_Expelliarmus!_" Sirius' wand flew from his hand and into Professor McGonagall's.

"Mr. Black. Come with me. Detention, _now_."

"But, professor. . .he --"

"I don't care what Mr. Snape did, you know the rules. No magic in the corridors." Sirius wasn't up to a full out war with Professor McGonagall this morning, so he hung his head in defeat and followed her to her office.

Sirius somehow felt that he deserved to sit there and copy lines all day. He should have realized Remus wasn't a girl. It was his fault the whole school was pointing and laughing. He did feel rather good about casting such an excellent spell at Snape and wondered if he was walking properly again, the greasy git.

The hours went by slowly. After writing "I must not attack Mr. Snape in the corridors again" for the three hundred and forty-fifth time, occasionally replacing "Mr. Snape" with "Snivellus" and hoping McGonagall didn't notice, he put the quill down and started plotting revenge. He had a really good idea. They would take Lily Evans' pink panties and enlarge them. Then they would hang them in the common room for everyone to see.

As he massaged his sore wrist his stomach gave an earth-shattering roar and he realized how hungry he was. Professor McGonagall must have heard, because she gave him back his wand and told him to leave, and to _never do it again_. He walked down to the Great Hall hoping that there would still be food left. He ducked in very quickly, grabbed a handful of things from the table and made his way back to Gryffindor Tower. He approached the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Password?" she asked. He didn't want to say it. He felt so stupid for ever thinking Remus was a girl. He also felt really bad for all the stuff Remus was going to have to deal with. He couldn't think for the life of him how Lily got the portrait to change the password to that. He had to say it or he would sit outside the door all night.

"Remusisgirl," he said quickly.

"I'm sorry dear, you'll have to speak more clearly."

"I said 'Remus is a girl.' Did you hear me that time?" he shouted. The Fat Lady scowled at him and a group of first years walking by burst into laughter. The portrait opened and he looked around for the others. He didn't see them so he hurried up the steps. He wanted to get Lily back as soon as possible. He ran upstairs and into their dorm. The others were sitting around doing various unimportant things when he explained his idea about the pink panties.

"I don't know, Sirius. I think she would kill us," James said.

"Get over it, James. We all know you like her, but look at what she did to Remus. I mean, it's your fault as well. If you wouldn't have been teasing Lily in Charms she probably wouldn't have done it anyway."

"Don't you go blaming this on me, Sirius. You're were the one with the stupid idea."

"Are we going to do it or not?" Remus asked, hoping to prevent an argument and hoping to get his revenge.

"Okay, fine, I'm in." James said. Remus fetched the underpants from his trunk. Since Sirius was rather good at charms, he used the Engorgement Charm and the little silk panties were now the size of the Hogwarts school flag.

"We need a diversion," Sirius said.

"Peter, can you do that?" James asked.

"I always have to do the diversion," he pouted, but then he saw there was no way out of it and asked what he was supposed to do.

"Get people out of the common room, steal their attention. James, Remus and I will take out all the lights and then we'll hang these up."

"Okay."

"You know," Remus said, "this marauding isn't good for our reputations."

"Reputations?" Sirius asked him. Then they all shared a laugh. They tried their best to conceal a huge pair of underpants as they walked down the stairs in to the common room.

"How do they wear this stuff?" James asked, "it's all slippery." The other boys shrugged as they took the last step. Peter walked across the room and out the portrait hole. He started screaming something in the corridor and everyone in the room ran to see what was going on.

The other three put out the candles and went to a bare wall opposite the fireplace.

Sirius charmed the unmentionables to the wall and told the others to run for it, to get back to the dorm, or watch from the stairs. When James was out of sight, Sirius began to charm words on to the wall.

_A little romance and she'll give you a chance,  
that's how I got Lily Evans' underpants.  
-The Marauders_

Sirius was never any good at poetry. He ran back up the stairs to join James and Remus in their hiding spot. The candles were lit again and there was another collective gasp, one so brilliant it ruffled their hair. They heard Lily's voice from down the stairs.

"Peter Pettigrew! I know you had something to do with it!" They laughed and went up to their room. Peter could take care of himself. They didn't wish to expose themselves as the Marauders just yet.

"Brilliant name, Sirius," James said.

"Well, it was Remus' idea." Sirius said through a yawn. "What do you say we turn in early tonight?"

"Fine with me," Remus said.

"Yeah," James added, "I don't think its a good idea for us to go back down there tonight."

They changed into their pajamas and climbed into bed. The distant shrieks from downstairs faded as each boy fell asleep.

James was thinking about Remus. It was strange to have a werewolf as a friend. He was a little worried, but then a wonderful thought occurred to him. If he, Sirius and Peter became Animagus wizards then they could go with Remus to the Shrieking Shack. Then he started thinking about the fury in Lily Evans' eyes and he smiled into his pillow.

Remus was happy for once, and sleep came quite easily for him. He thanked Merlin he finally found people that could accept the wolf. His friends even defended him from Lily. Even if the rest of the school thought he was a girl, it was a small price to pay for this kind of happiness.

Sirius was a different case altogether. He wasn't finding sleep at all. He was quite terrified of closing his eyes. He feared another dream like the one he had last night. He had a dream about Remus, Remus the Hot Girl. He couldn't shake the dream all day. Every time he looked in Remus' direction, he saw Remus the Hot Girl. But it was different now. He didn't see Remus the Hot Girl anymore. He saw Remus the Hot Werewolf. What was more terrifying is that he kinda wanted to have the dream again. . .

As for Peter, well, he never made it to the dorm room. Lily Evans chased him all around the common room and out into the hall. She chased him down a few corridors until he ducked into a broom closet across from the tapestry of Barnabas the Barmy trying to train trolls. He fell asleep in a tiny ball on the floor shivering and jumping at every little noise. He slept with a mop handle in his back and you will be glad to know that the next day he woke up with quite a pain in his neck. . .and Lily Evans wasn't done with him yet.

**_End_**

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Disclaimer: Not mine.

Notes: Thanks for all the reviews. :) No sequel in the works, but I'm glad you enjoyed this bit of silliness.


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